Eccentric and Bent

Come on a fantastic voyage in the backwaters of my mind.

Daily Archives: October 25, 2013

It Can WAIT, fool!! Stop texting and driving!!

2 Decades


2 DECADES

August 19, 2013 at 11:08am

Remember when they said…

“It won’t last”
“They just together to show they ass”
Remember when they said…
“Their love is not true”
” I only give them a year or two”
I remember and laugh
We showed they asses
They couldn’t see clearly
They didn’t have our rose tinted glasses
Never needed their approval
Or their big ups
Their words were only minor
Hiccups
Twenty Years
2 Decades
This is a love they can’t fade
Full of laughs and tears
Heartbreaks and triumphs
Helping each other get over the humps
Twenty Years
2 Decades
Still going strong
Fuck those fools
Who got it wrong
You are the lyrics
To my favorite song
You are the breath
within my lungs
You are my sunshine
On those gray dreary days
You are the One
Who made me change my pimpish ways
You are my Dream
Manifested in life
You are my refuge
During chaos and strife
You are my LOVE
For eternity
No man can tear asunder
What the UNIVERSE has decreed
Me for you
And you for me
This is just my way of saying
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Slowly


I fall into you/ as you glide into me/ slowly/ slowly/ my world starts to spin/ where do you start/ and where do I end/ slowly/ slowly/ we rise/ together/ feeling/ like I am caught/ up in forever/ you bite me/ I scratch you/ battle scars/ from a lover’s/ war/ I scream/ until you take/ my breath/ I give/ to you/ until I have nothing/ left/ yet you won’t release/ me/ limp/ drained/ slowly/ slowly/ you seduce/ my brain/ sweat drips/ passionate prayers/ falling/ off my lips/ quivers/ shakes/ muscle quakes/ not so/ slowly/ slowly/ you drive me/ to a primitive rhythm/ I dance/ you beat/ orchestrated maneuvers/ in the dark/ moves passed down/ through time/ immemorial/ we are/ getting damn near/ primordial/ eyes blind/ no outer vision/ the spark/ fire racing/ through my limbs/ burning/ but not/ consumed/ trying in vain/ to find my ground/ in/ and out/ of my mind/ I don’t know/ if I can/ survive/ this time/ I let go/ I let go/ I let go/ slowly/ slowly/ I come/ back into being/ focused/ on the smile/ I am seeing/ whole/ renewed/ refreshed/ reborn/ slowly/ slowly/ we separate/ but/ I will/ willingly/ fall into you/ anytime/ you want/ to glide/ into me.

Balance


They say it’s a Man’s world/ but y’all forgot the next line/ it wouldn’t be nothing without the Feminine Divine/ we once were Yin and Yang/ we balanced each other out/ we did the dang thang/ I was Isis to your Osiris/ birthing the gods/ now I am Bitch, Cunt, Whore/ what are the odds/ you rewrote the story/ and edited me out/ but without me/ you have no clout/ I am standing on my throne/ ready for war/ I ain’t taking this shit/ anymore/ a warrior goddess/ I am Mother of Nine/ remember my name/ it’s Oya-Iyansan/ I’ll dance destruction/ to rebirth you/ as Shango/ so that this mess can be untangled/ I’ve been with you/ since the beginning of time/ Lillith to your Adam/ but you threw me aside/ Man fuck Eve/ she’s only a part of you/ I am your equal/ in a love that is true/ but my strength you called blasphemy/ and me, a serpent/ I’ll be kind/ if you just repent/ own the lies that you invent/ never was I your downfall/ I was your backbone/ in other words/ I helped you stand tall/ don’t you remember/ you called me Sofia (Wisdom)/ and loved me/ until/ you tried to wipe me out/ but my name is/ still/ spoken out loud/ I am your Philosophy/ I have not forgotten/ my sacrafices/ are still praised/ say my name/ say my name/ when everybody’s around/ if you ain’t running game/ I am the Obsidian Butterfly/ Itzapapalotl/ and I am not shy/ I will eat you alive/ my war games are up to snuff/ while yours are just a puff/ of smoke/ I hope you choke/ then I can breathe into you/ my spirit/ reanimate/ sow we can be intimate/ celebrants in Hieros Gamos/ God & Goddess/ bringing the world back/ into Balance

Failure or Success


I have a fear of Success.  I know most people fear failure but I don’t.  It doesn’t bother me to fail because it is all a learning process.  I fail daily at something but I keep plugging along until I accomplish the task I set for myself.  I really enjoy mastering new things and concepts.  But I fear Success.  It leaves me in a quivering ball.  I hold my successes as closely guarded secrets .  I prefer to be seen as a slacker, procrastinator, ne’er-do-well, or even a waste of space.

I think it comes from my childhood.  I was always the example of the smart and respectable kid.  I learned to read at 3. I could do basic math by 4.  By age 6, I was in the 3rd grade.  I was always the youngest kid in class. I was expected to be an honor roll student even while my sister was praised if she had a “C” average.  I spent a whole summer grounded to my room without even my books to keep me company, all because I received a “D” in geometry.  It was my first grade below a “B” in my entire school career and I was a Junior in high school. My mom even highlighted the grade and posted my report card on the front door for the full 3 months. My sister on the other hand regularly brought home “D’s” and “F’s” yet, because it was expected, she did not get in trouble.  My Aunt used my grades to shame my cousin who was the same age but a year behind me in school.  I was always expected to be the smartest and politest child around.  That is a lot of damn pressure on a kid who is just trying to figure out life.

I was expected to be level-headed and tame.  My sister could run wild.  I was expected to speak proper English even with my friends.  I was expected to graduate high school and use my scholarships to become a microbiologist.  I was expected to not hang out but spend my time quietly reading.  I was expected to be a shining example of a young Black girl.  Even my school counselors and teachers placed pressure on me to succeed because it should have been easy for me. No one ever asked me if I wanted to succeed. I was not allowed to pick the easy path but was always commanded to take the hardest path.  I spent so much time living up to other people’s expectations, that my teenage rebellion changed the entire course of my life.  Instead of graduating high school on time, I dropped out halfway through second semester of senior year, just after my 17th birthday. I lost all of my scholarships.  I tried to commit suicide. I started hanging out with gang members and selling drugs.  I fought and drank every single day for several months.  I spent so much time trying to shake the nerd, goody two shoes label that I lost respect for myself.  (I went back first semester of the next year and graduated 1-17-91.) I thought I had taught them that I  could not and would not live with the pressure of success.  But I didn’t.

The same pressure is placed on me by my family today.  Yes, I am the eldest.  Yes, when I put my mind to it I can do anything.   And yes, I was blessed with a different type of intellect.  But I can’t handle the pressure.  No one seems to understand that I learn new skills and gain new knowledge because it is fun.  I taught myself to crochet, knit, bead, cross stitch, make body butter, and work with polymer clay because it is fun.  I don’t want to turn any of those hobbies into careers because I don’t want to have to do things on other people’s terms.  I also judge myself and my creations more harshly than any other living person.  I am not going to release something to the public that I don’t feel is the absolute best I can create.

Yes, I went back to school with a double major in Psychology and Social Work.  Yes, I was an honor roll student while being a mother of 6 and wife of 1.  Yes, I could do some good in those careers but I am not sure that is what I want to do.  How are you pushing me to get my Ph.D when I haven’t even completed my BS?  Don’t you understand that I went back to be able to learn?  What is wrong with being a life long student?  What is wrong with wanting to have the knowledge just because? Why must I be Dr. Jackson for your happiness? Why don’t you understand that I quit because you took my joy away with your demands on my future? Once again the pressure of Success got to me.

I know that I shouldn’t feel pressure when my family and friends cheer me on but is exactly what it is.  I feel like I have to keep topping the last thing I did or I will just disappoint every one.  I feel like if they see that I am insecure or unsure, they will just pooh-pooh my feelings without seeing it from my perspective.  So instead I sabotage myself.  I let my creative fire die every so often and then spend months trying to find it again.  That is what happened to this blog.  Too many people took notice and I felt like I could not keep writing.  I felt like it was demanding I write even on the days I had nothing to say.  Success requires you to keep being great.  I just want to be average most days.  I just want to do what makes me happy and relieves the pressure of having too many thoughts in my head.  I don’t want people demanding that I put more jewelry up for sale.  I don’t want people demanding that I knit them scarves and what not.  I don’t want people offering me money to sew up a dress that needs to be done in two weeks.  I don’t want people asking me when I am going to write a recipe, poetry, or fiction book. I don’t want people demanding that I get a Ph. D because it should be a walk in the park for me.  I want to be free to choose my own path.

I know I can’t be the only one who fears success but sometimes it feels that way.  It seems that everyone else is always striving to be better. Where are the other weirdo’s who would prefer to just be average in the eyes of those who love them? Where are my fellow purposeful slackers? Do you fear success or failure?  Please let me know that I am not alone…

(Please forgive any typos, format, and grammatical errors.  I did not do an outline, rough draft, or final draft.  This was just the flow of my thoughts today.)

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