March 31, 2014
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In urban lingo, dap is a hand bump that can replace an handshake or be the symbol of agreement, excitement or even just showing love. But in my personal life, those
are were my aunt’s initials. She wasn’t but a few years older than me; she was the baby out of my Grandmother’s 18 children. Even still, she was an aunt and not my contemporary. I used to dream of being old enough to follow her on her adventures with my Cousin Toni. When I finally reached what I thought was an appropriate age, she shut me down quick. 😄 She told me she had bigger plans for my future than following in her footsteps, so I could just sit my little butt on the porch. Although I was taller than her 4’8″, I did just what she said because I was not about to tangle with that wild cat. Last November, during my Grandmother’s last days, I found out how truly ill my aunt was. Besides the Lupus she’d been battling, she also had a liver damaged beyond repair. She told me she probably wouldn’t make it until the next November. I worried but figured she’d kick death’s butt if it showed up at her door. I mean she had been kicking butt and taking names my whole life. She even made Ice Cube (yeah the rapper) take heed when they dated back in the vintage days. She was a ball of love though. She never lacked having an encouraging word, a smile, a hug or Love for any who needed it. She was one of my heroes. But this week, she was needed elsewhere so she left us behind with tears and smiles on our faces. We won’t ever forget all the advice, love, laughs and shenanigans. Nor will we forget that she taught us to live out loud and with joy. So while I’m pasting the pieces of my heart back together, I’m also planning to celebrate the time I was given. I am also grateful that I had the chance to tell her how much she truly meant to me and to hear her say she loved me too. She told me that she was proud of me. I just regret I didn’t get to hear her say “auntie’s baby!” to me one more time. But she put enough love into each exclamation, that I should be able to hold onto it for the rest of my life. I just wish I could get one more DAP.
In loving memory of Doree Ann Primous
March 27, 2014
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I’ve seen a few of her videos. I did not realize that it was the same young lady in each of the ones I watched. The one that stands out the most is the one of the mother and son in the grocery store. I was not totally convinced that it was a “real” incident but it did call up a lot of emotions for me. Now that I know her agenda, it makes sense. I applaud her for trying to get people to give more than surface treatment to some very complex issues in society. I wish her success.
March 26, 2014
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It’s been a while since I posted. The last posts were related to the death of my grandmother, Mrs. Irene Lujan Primous. From that point until now, I haven’t written anything more than some FaceBook statuses. Poetry left, my essays dried up and my short stories have no imagination. I thought I was just going through a down cycle, as they have happened occasionally in my life. I always viewed these cycles as times I was subconsciously recharging my creativity. They have been viewed as periods of rest for a super active mind. I have just recently had what some may call an epiphany; I may just be depressed. I battled with what a doctor diagnosed as manic depression from the childhood until about age 27, when I decided to take life as it comes. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those who believe that therapy is a racket dreamed up by folks to push pills and make money. I just knew that constantly rehashing the BS of life wasn’t helping ME. I needed something different and eventually I found it. I guess the reason I am unsure about whether this is depression or a motivation issue is because the only “symptom” I am exhibiting is a lack of desire to partake in some activities. Yes, these are the activities that make up the facets of my personality but they aren’t the sum total of me. I’ve still been eating, laughing and spending time with my loves. I’m not withdrawn or angry. I just haven’t had any desire to engage in my god complex. 😜 I’m still putting out (what I think is) inspiration. I still feel happy on the surface so could I really be depressed? I really don’t know but I hope whatever this season is ends soon because I have another death to deal with. I know I would be able to process my grief better if I could “create” it out of existence. So what do you think my problem is: depression or just unmotivated? >